The thing about CFS/ME is that you can’t fight it. You can’t beat it. There is no competition - it’ll win every time. So you just have to sit back, allow it to drag you under and do exactly what it wants. Desperately, you cling to what is left behind and do your best to get by with that.
And that… that takes a very, very long time to get used to.
Currently being reminded of this fact very, very painfully.
I am horribly lonely today. It was, in fact, one of those days on which I deliberately slept for as long as possible just so I didn’t have to get up and face how lonely I feel when I’m awake. Obviously, being in this house by myself with very little to do is not exactly helping the loneliness. I still get lonely back at my own flat, though, where I have G and Sylvie (boyfriend and cat, respectively) for company a lot of the time. Contrary to popular belief, it is still possible to feel lonely when you are in a healthy relationship. Gareth has a 12 week work placement starting June 13th, too, and I’m scared that my mood is only going to get worse.
I hope you feel better. My girlfriend has cfs and depression so I’ve had to learn how I can help rather than get frustrated with her. Good luck.
Thank you both. I live with my boyfriend usually and he’s really great about it - he knows my limits (sometimes better than I do) and encourages me to rest and let him take care of stuff (which is something I am not naturally inclined to do and still struggle with after 5 years of illness :P). He’s very patient and supportive and innately calm. At the moment, though, I’m looking after my parents’ house/pets a hundred miles away from that support (he couldn’t come with me to help because he has exams with uni atm and also he has to look after our cat) and I’m struggling.
I also feel bad for complaining, because I could have just said “no, I can’t do it”. But again, guilt complex. I need to learn how to say “no” to people.
At least I can have pizza tonight to break up the microwave meals *shudder*.
Also, there is a BATHTUB here :D We only have a shower at the flat, so a bath is a luxury. \o/
I want to write something long and ranty about how being here is making me ill and miserable, how I wish I was home with my cat and my boyfriend, how the microwave convenience meals (the only thing I have the strength to “cook” alone) are making me physically sick and even more lethargic than normal, and how I’m still in pain from travelling up here on Friday. I am just too tired to type more than this.
I wish the people who pretend to understand my illness would actually acknowledge and respect my limits, rather than exploiting my guilt complex and my persistent need to prove myself/help people/be useful somehow.
I LOVE Supernatural!!! (Don’t feel bad, it freaks the fuck out of me too!)
Seriously, I tried to prepare for this by switching all the lights on in the house and drawing all the curtains before it even got dark, but there’s still the fact that I’m alone in the house. I nearly had an embolism or something earlier when I came upstairs to grab my meds and didn’t realise the cat was asleep on the floor - I saw him move out of the corner of my eye and freaked out. And I’m still only on S1. WOE.
So, I have just been around the house and drawn all the curtains and turned all the lights on even though it’s not actually dark yet.
Why? I am about to try and finish Season One of Supernatural. I like to be prepared for my inevitable freaking out, especially since I am alone in the house.
Seriously though, after the Bloody Mary episode I consciously dashed as fast as I could past mirrors for, like, weeks. Even though I’ve never killed anyone or said Bloody Mary in front of a mirror or anything, my imagination is ridiculously overactive. Don’t even get me started on the itchy creepy skin I had after watching Bugs.
Also, yes I am only on season one. There is a lot of TV out there! Plus, given my tendency to freak out after watching it, I can only watch a few episodes at a time. Although apparently it gets less dark and creepy and more funny after this first season. But idk as I’m not there yet.
ANYWAY, wish me luck for not having screaming nightmares >.>
Today marks the start of my ten day exile. I am up north looking after my parents’ house/plants/cats/dog whilst they are on holiday. Unfortunately, the computers here aren’t nearly powerful enough to run any games on :( I should be able to spam Tumblr a bit whilst I’m here but I will have no warcraft, dragon age or mass effect *sobsobsob* Yeah, I have issues. Obviously, I miss my cat and my boyfriend as well as my computer. I’m not totally awful >.> The train journey up here was awful. I don’t travel very well at the best of times - between anxiety and exhaustion/pain from the CFS I get very uncomfortable, especially travelling alone. I had G to walk me to the station but after that I was on my own (he has an exam next week and also has to stay and look after the cat). Anyway, the train was PACKED and horrible. I spent the whole journey sat on my suitcase in the aisle next to the door with people shoving past me to look for seats etc. Seriously, if there were ANY seats ANYWHERE do you REALLY think all these people (including me, with my walking stick) would be sat out here?! Honestly. Also, why must people make really loud, inane phone calls every 5 minutes when on public transport? AUGH. I’m at the house now, totally exhausted and mostly hating the world. Especially the guy who smacked me in the knees and then the head with his skateboard. The only person I don’t hate today is the nice man who helped me up and down the stairs with my suitcase when I got off the train. Once, again, UGH. That is all.
30 Day Challenge. Day Nineteen: Something that makes me smile.
This is a picture of myself and my boyfriend as chibi style characters. It was commissioned from and drawn by the beautiful and talented Ms. yuukochan. I had a high-definition copy of it printed and framed for part of G’s Christmas present in 2009. It makes me smile :)